watch out world!

that's right, WATCH OUT!! ;) cuz here I come!!  I have been a cleaning/organizing/creating/cooking/super-mom MaNiaC for the last 2 weeks!!!  And, though my knees may ache in their attempt at reminding me that I am only a few more weeks to the big 3-5 (ugh, don't remind me!!), ThEy wiLL nOt KeeP Me DoWn.  you see, i've finally realized, and oh it has taken me ever-so-long, that Heavenly Father DOES love me & that he doesn't make mistakes.  Sometimes I need a little encouragement, like the beautiful email I've pasted below from Scrap Girls' Roxanne Paxman to ReMinD me that Heavenly Father didn't "mess up" when he made me just the way I am (especially when my body & life's circumstances are telling me otherwise!). 

After the day is done, though, I quiet myself in my moments of meditation & prayer & I realize I have become so much more than I ever thought I was capable of.  I stand in awe of the strength of my spirit, my desire to keep on fighting when the going gets (from a worldly viewpoint) cRaPPy & I just sit for minutes at a time . . . I sit and I allow the spirit of pure unadulterated gratitude fill my heart & soul (literally!) . . . and I soak up the very best feeling I have ever felt . . . the pure love that Heavenly father has for me. 

I am good.  I am worth it.  And, in 2010, I will work every day to seek it . . . His love.  Eventhough, I spent so many moments this year feeling worthless & forsaken by Him, I realize now that those feelings were adversarial in nature & that it is in the TRYING that Heavenly Father finds the REAL ME.  You see, He doesn't care so much how hard a circumstance is, because He will only give us what we can handle . . . what He wants is for us to gather up all the ashes in the midst of the wreckage & realize that there is SO MUCH beauty in the storm . . . that He still loves us . . . and as long as we TRY to see this beauty, then He becomes certain that even in our darkest hour we KNOW, with a SURITY, that HE is always with us . . . and this, is true peace.  So, I leave you all today with the wish that your 2010 is the best year ever.  I wish you peace, prosperity, and good health, but above all, I wish for you to truly find ways to love yourself dispite your faults, etc & through this process, realize that Heavenly Father loves you even more.

much love,
natasha

Roxanne's email: "Today, I thought I'd continue the discussion I started yesterday - about hanging in there for five years. I thought I'd tell you about my last five years so that you can see what is possible. It's been five years since I started Scrap Girls. I've been through a lot during this time. Our family has experienced many disasters and tough challenges. I've worked harder than I could imagine. I've lived through many, many health issues. I've seen our country turned upside down and inside out. I lost my father. I moved. The past five years has also been the biggest growth period of my life and, as a result, I am now a completely different person than I was before. In 2004, I felt insecure, weak and afraid of people. I'd just come off of being laid-off, fired and disposed of by three different companies. My family was in complete chaos. We were going through financial challenges of the highest order. It took courage to get up in the morning. It took courage to look at myself in the mirror. It took an extreme amount of courage to leave my house. I felt lost - not with God - but with who I was. However, Heavenly Father knew who I could become. He knew me from before I came to earth and could see that I had a large spirit inside this short, soft body. He knew that I was strong. He knew that I was capable. He knew that I had a vision. Of course, He was right. I just didn't know it yet. In His own kind way, he helped me find challenges that pushed me. If I hadn't been laid-off, fired and disposed of, I would have never summoned the courage to start Scrap Girls. If I hadn't struggled financially, I wouldn't have learned to value careful business management. If I had children that were easy to raise, I would have been ripe with self-congratulatory headiness. If I hadn't experienced these things, I would have kept bouncing around, struggling against the wind. I would still be sitting in a cubicle somewhere, suffering when I saw improvements that could be made in the company I worked for that would never be made. I would have been critical of other people's challenges, thinking that they were always to be blamed for their problems. Because I had a family to feed and house payments to make, I pulled myself together and started Scrap Girls. I prayed constantly and worked more than that. I wore pajamas, ate peanut butter sandwiches and learned not to blow up websites when people are on them. In the process, I discovered it is easy for me to make business decisions. In fact, I discovered that I like business - that I love business. I discovered that I was stronger than I realized. I learned that I love people. I learned how to completely trust that Heavenly Father has the answers to our problems. The company grew up and so did I. The last year has been the most important one in the journey to locate my missing self. I decided one night - after an uneasy session of blog-surfing - that I simply had to stop trying to be who others wanted me to be. I had to stop trying to figure out what others wanted me to be. I had to stop comparing myself to other people. I had to become myself. It hasn't been easy, but I feel like I'm making huge strides. In the past year, I spoken up, pushed back, steeled myself, spanked myself, and have said many repentant prayers. I've forgiven people who have hurt me and have forgiven myself for hurting other people. I've found things I enjoy and things I do not enjoy. I've grown my hair out, brushed my bangs forward, and have stopped wearing mascara on my bottom eyelashes. I have purchased polo shirts, drawn cartoons, and have started wearing colored socks. I am now happy to be me. Here's the best part: You can learn to be happy that you are you. Trust me. If I can do it - I, who have been riddled with self-doubt and self-hatred for more than half a century - then you can do it, too. Don't worry about how long the journey will take. Just start the journey - now. Make up your mind to step out with faith, believing that Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes. You are not a mistake. You are His beloved child and He wants you to be happy. If you need permission to try and locate your lost self, then let me give it to you right now. Go ahead. It's time to begin. You are waiting at the end of the road."